a hard post to write

for the past 2 months I have been writing posts and saving them to share with you at the end of this week. i was so excited to finally be able to make those posts public. i have been slacking off on blogging for the past 2 months because i had done so much secret blogging that i didn't have anything left to write and post. so here is/was the big secret. on jan. 5th i found out i was pregnant. steve and i were so excited!! i got very carried away and began buying stuff, reading a ton of books, and filling my mind with thoughts about this new addition to our family. an addition that we have been waiting for for a while and were dying to meet. 1+ weeks ago that dream came to an end. at 12 weeks i lost the baby. this past week has been a nightmare. last july i also miscarried but i was only 5.5 weeks and it was much easier on me both emotionally and physically. i am not going to post all of the entries i had written, it would be too difficult for me. but i want to thank all of my amazing friends and family members who have made these days bareable. steve and i are hanging in there the best we can. trying to have faith and hope that one day we will have a family. we are praying lots and crying lots. some days are easier than others and we know it's going to be a while before life feels "normal" again.

last week, amidst this whole terrible journey, i stumbled across a blog written by a lady who's baby was very sick while in the womb. i read a ton of her archived entries and bawled. she had different playlists on her blog. i listened to a lot of the music and it was very uplifting. it just so happened (yeah right...it was such a "God thing") that steve had left a card for me to read that day with an itunes gift card in it (he was away in Montreal for that week). i bought SO much music and i have listened to it every day. one of the songs is Bring the Rain by MercyMe.

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holyI
s the Lord God Almighty
Is the Lord God Almighty