Saturday, June 30, 2012

gluten free...

as of wednesday i have been on a gluten free diet. why? i don't think anyone wants to really know the details but basically i have had an unpredictable/sensitive digestive system for as long as i can remember and as of about a month ago it has gotten extremely worse! i went to my doctor on tuesday and after chatting with him about all of my "issues" he told me that it is likely that i have celiac disease and would need to be on a gluten free diet for life. eeekkkkk!!!! i was told to get a blood test done and that he would call me with the results. i decided to have pizza for dinner that night and see how my body reacted. HOLY MOLY, BAD IDEA!!!! i was up ALL night from 10:30pm-6:30am sick! it was AWFUL! the next morning i got my blood test and decided i was starting the gluten free diet right then and there. man this diet is brutal! i had no idea that gluten is in basically literally EVERYTHING! i would never have guessed that french fries and potato chips would be a no-no. it's a big learning curve but i know i can't continue on feeling the way i have been feeling. so hopefully the switch over will be worth it.

since i cut out gluten 4 days ago i have had ZERO symptoms! i have felt relatively normal...until today that is. today i was hit again! i was so confused because i know i didn't eat anything with gluten. i did some more reading. turns out that it takes 6-8 weeks for all of the gluten to get out of your tissue and make you relatively symptom free and another 6-8 weeks for the intestine to heal. i could be looking at almost 2 more months of feeling nasty. shoot.

of course there is still the possibility that i don't have celiac disease. i don't want to have it, but i want to be better. if the test comes back negative then i guess i can add gluten back in and see what happens. if it is positive i have learned that a biopsy of the intestine is still needed to confirm. booo! not sure i want to do that.

one awesome thing that i learned yesterday is the Boston Pizza has gluten free pizza! so amazing! if i do end up gluten free for life at least i can eat there! :)

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Feeding tactics

jacob has decided that he hates eating. he screams and cries whenever food comes his way. he will be starving but when he is in the highchair he reaches for everything in sight and won't eat. we tried powering through the crying but he either gets so upset that he barfs or he just won't stop crying. shoveling the food in his mouth while he cries also leads to barfing. we decided to try more solids (even though previously he always gagged and barfed on any food that wasn't puréed. we figured that if he is barfing during most meals from crying we might has well try the solids cause it all equals barf). there was lots of gagging at first but slowly he was able to handle some solid food without up-chucking. oh progress!! :)

he will eat solids without crying because he really enjoys feeding himself the only problem is that he has such a short attention span for food. he will literally eat about 10 small bites of food and then starts crying again and whining and reaching for anything he can see. we are so sick of meals being like this that we have caved and now try and get him watching tv while we feed him or read him stories while he eats (which is his favourite thing ever!). we are at a complete loss as to how to get past this. it's not that he isn't hungry. he is hungry! he is sometimes absolutely starving. in fact if he is interested in a show or a book he will eat loads of food. i don't get him and this whole eating thing. we have even started to have to feed him in the night lately because he can't make it to his morning bottle or breakfast. He is up so much in the night crying and if we feed him a bottle he will actually sleep until 6:15ish (which for him is sleeping in).

here are some pics of him eating while watching tv or being read to.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

the question everyone is asking me

jacob turned one on may 18th. it's still hard to believe that he is already one and yet i also find it hard to believe that he has only been a part of our lives for one year. funny how that works. ;) i feel like as soon as i returned to work and J had his birthday i have been getting asked almost daily when we will have a second baby. this is a tough question for me. i am never sure how to answer it. don't get me wrong, i don't mind being asked i just don't know how to respond when i myself don't know the answer.

this year with jacob has been insanely rewarding and yet extremely hard on me. i have learned a lot about myself and honestly i have really let myself down this year. i had HIGH expectations for myself as a mom. i have worked with babies, kids and teens for YEARS and felt like i was as ready as i could possibly be for being a mom. WRONG! nothing can really prepare you for this switch. i have learned that i am a very selfish person. i like time to myself, time with friends and time with steve. i have felt like i no longer have much of any of that....or at least not to the extent that i want/feel i need. i have worked hard to change this about myself but it hasn't come easily. there really is not enough time in the day. currently work is my time for me and my time to be with friends. time with steve? that doesn't happen very much. even for our 5 year anniversary (FIVE YEARS PEOPLE.....seems like a big anniversary to me) all we had time for was dinner (and it sucked). i really enjoy time away from the house with just steve and i and that barely ever happens.

i thought i would love sitting on the floor with my little guy and playing with him all day long. again i am disappointed with myself because after i have built towers for him to knock over a million times and had the same "my baby elephant" book passed to me 20 times to be read i am finished playing and want to do something else. i feel crummy for being bored. i feel frustrated when he stands next to me grabbing my leg whining because i put the book out of reach.i feel down right angry at myself for not sucking it up and getting myself back on the floor with my kid and reading the book again until HE decides that it is enough. why can't i just enjoy all of this more? why can't i really take in these moments with him and just be happy to be reading to him while he still wants me to?

i can't stop looking around my house and seeing the MILLION things that need to be done. the dishes, cleaning bottles, dusting, mopping the floors, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, cleaning windows, never ends and i feel like i can never be ahead of the game.

i feel like i am constantly second guessing whether or not i am feeding him a balanced diet, feeding him enough, is he getting enough sleep, should i let him cry, should i scoop him up as soon as he cries, do i play with him enough, do i carry him enough, do i show him enough affection, am i teaching him anything, am i expecting too much or too little from him, does he spend enough time outside, does he even like me....i could go on forever. seriously. i never feel at peace. peace is what i crave.

back to the reason i started this i feel like i am ready for another kid....NOT AT ALL. i know it wouldn't be fair to jacob right now. he doesn't have my full attention and he is the only kid i have. how can i divide the attention he does get with another child when i already feel guilty about not spending enough quality time with him. i feel too tense, too stressed, too anxious to have jacob AND a baby. i remember how consuming jacob was as a newborn. how much he cried. how much his health issues scared me and stressed me out. i know i don't have it in me to do that again and take care of jacob the way i want to at the same time

i have a big fear. what if i never feel ready for another? i don't want jacob to be an only child. but if i won't ever feel ready then i will just have to force myself to do it so that he won't be an only child. and if i am going to have to force myself at some point then maybe i should just do it soon so that he will be close in age to his brother or sister....ok....that statement scares me a lot! i know i can't handle being pregnant again "soon". is this normal? do other first time moms feel this way? does there really actually come a time when i will feel "ready"? why does it seem like other moms around me can have a second baby soon after their first and not seem to be scared and stressed? eeeekkkkk!!!! this whole having babies thing is a pretty big deal.