one of "those" posts

another, possibly dreaded, post about being a mom....hopefully you don't all hate it when i write this kind of post.

i have been torn up about this stuff lately. the only person i have REALLY talked to about all of this is steve. i feel guilty feeling the way i feel and yet i think i only feel guilty because no on else says this kind of thing. either people either aren't being very honest because they too feel guilty or don't want to dump their feelings on others, or...i guess i am not the best mom. the mom who lives in every moment and isn't phased by the hard parts of each day.

being a mom is tough. i always knew it would be. i thought that because i had nannied young girls for a couple years i would be more prepared than i am. this newborn thing is harder than i ever imagained! my son cries or is fussy A LOT. more compared to other babies? i don't know. should i be complaining? probably not. this is where the guilt comes in. i don't want to be home with him all day/everyday at this point. i love him so much but he is draining me physically and mentally. i feel like all i do is feed him, change him and rock him. rocking for him means i am up walking back and forth across my main floor holding him. if i sit, he screams, if i stop walking he usually cries then too. once he is finally asleep i try and put him down, either in his crib, on the couch or in his swing and 3/4 of the time he wakes up and cries and wants to be rocked again. if he doesn't wake up i usually only get a 15-20 min break (during the day. evenings he often sleeps a lot longer). i look forward to the times in the day when he is content so that i can lie him on his playmat and let him look at his toys or have him sit on my lap and talk to him and admire those adorable smiles he gives. those times are my FAVOURITE!! i love the content jacob. sadly he isn't content very much in the day. we have had days where he hasn't been content at all. i feel like i am always going back and forth in my head telling myself that when he is content i should be sitting down with him and enjoying him in those moments. i need to be connecting with him and getting refueled for the next round of screams. BUT i am also telling myself that it's important that i eat, get dressed and do my hair so that i feel somewhat normal. i feel guilty if i don't sit with him and yet i feel anxious wondering when i will have time for myself.

my baby doesn't enjoy being held for long when he is awake unless he is being rocked. he doesn't enjoy lying on his playmat for long. he doesn't like to be in his swing. he doesn't like to be in his bouncer. he doesn't like to be in a sling or a carrier. he doesn't like his car seat and he is only happy in the stroller if he is content when y0u put him in there (and even then he won't last longer than 20 mins if he is awake). he wakes up screaming, none of this slowly waking up and stretching and looking around stuff. nope. it's screams from the moment he is out of dreamland.

lately in the night he has been waking up crying every hour or so. he isn't hungry but he is uncomfortable. gassy. he will calm down then start screaming a few seconds later. we rock and bounce him until the pain passes then put him back to sleep. the ovol drops are helping. he doesn't scream all day like he was before. he is much more content, but still not as content as i feel like he should be. i know i don't have another baby to compare him to but shouldn't he be happier? i hate hearing him cry so much. i feel bad for him because i know he is uncomfy. i want to do everything i can to make him feel better (the only thing i can do is rock and bounce him). is this normal? do all moms go through times with their babies when they need this level of attention? do all babies cry like this? we don't like going places with him because we will have to stand and pace and rock him most of the time. going to a restaurant with family or friends or just the two of us isn't an option because we wouldn't be able to sit and eat. right now usually one of us holds and rocks him while the other one eats dinner and then we switch. ugh. it's exhausting.

this is the way he has been for 4 weeks.

i keep looking forward to the next stage. the stage where he can go in a jolly jumper or jumperoo and be happy and bounce around while i get stuff done. the stage where he will sit on our laps and play with a toy at the table while we eat. the stage where he is awake longer and not wanting to sleep so much (ie: be rocked to sleep so much).

you might be wondering how i had time to write this post. well. this morning jacob and i went for a walk and he fell asleep in the stroller. i wheeled the stroller into our basement hallway and left him sleeping in there. i wrote some of this post in 15 mins while he slept. then he woke up and i went and got him. while changing his diaper he settled down and started smiling so i knew he was content enough to lie him on his playmat. he was fine there for 10 mins. then he started fussing so i picked him up and put him in my lap and tried to distract him with his sophie giraffe and his soother while i attempted to proof read. he is now lying on his tummy for tummy time on his playmat (which is about to come to an end since he is getting fussy again).

i feel as though i should always start these kinds of posts with "i love my son. i love being a mom. i wouldn't give it up for anything." etc etc so that no one thinks the opposite. but really, you will judge me if you want to and there isn't much i can do about that i don't have the energy to even care. all those things in the quotation marks are true, of course, but it doesn't make all of this easy.

P.S. i am posting this almost 3 hours after i started writing it...he has been fed again and is asleep, hopefully long enough for me to eat some lunch.