MRI results and next steps

steve and i had very mixed feelings about today's appointment. after jacob's last appointment we felt like we would be told one of 2 things today. 1. the MRI showed that there is a brain injury and jacob has cerebral palsy (which according to the neurologist at the last appointment that would be the BETTER option and the most likely option). or 2. the MRI showed nothing and we need to continue testing and look for a metabolic disease. we had been told that the next step would be a spinal tap.

both options sucked. we were of course wanting the MRI to show nothing AND for the doctor to say that he wasn't going to test jacob any more. however, this seemed like an unrealistic option since we had been told that he would NOT grow out of the symptoms he has.

in the past 3 months we have noticed that the shaking in jacob's arms has been less and less noticeable. in fact, in the past couple of weeks i have only seen his arms shake a few times. the shaking used to happen VERY often (probably at least 30x/day). the stiffness in his legs is still an issue. he does not bend his knees when standing (and he loves to stand). you can try and bounce him on a soft surface to get him to jump and his legs stay very stiff and he will not bend his knees. it's also difficult to get his knees to bend when changing his clothes and when he is very excited his whole body stiffens. the stiffness was the neurologist's main concern at the appointment in october.

today we saw the doctor again. he immediately said that he is SHOCKED that jacob already had his MRI. he told us that he expected it to take at least 1 year. he asked us some questions about jacob's development since his appointment in october. he then told us that the MRI was 100% normal and showed that jacob's brain is "perfect". amazing words to hear! (although at this point both steve and i were freaking out on the inside because we were expecting to hear that he has a metabolic disease.) he told us that jacob is only slightly behind on his development now and to him jacob doesn't feel as stiff as he did a few months ago. if he had a metabolic disease we shouldn't see a decrease in his symptoms. the next part was THE BEST! he said "i guess i was wrong. he will probably grow out of these symptoms." BEST WORDS WE COULD HAVE HEARD!!!!!! he was wrong. there is a third option and jacob is growing out of the stiffness. no cerebral palsy and most likely no metabolic disease. he told us that even though we don't know what is causing the stiffness he isn't worried about it after seeing jacob today. he does want to follow up with us and see jacob again when he is 18 months old or if we notice anything unusual with the stiffness or his development between now and then.

jacob @ 8 months...

...can do many new things!

he can sit up all by himself

(but we still need to stay nice and close because he does occasionally tip)

he can hit his toys together

he can go from a sitting position onto his belly....just not very gracefully

he pivots on his tummy

one thing is still the same though....he is still THE CUTEST!

post MRI

first of all i would like to thank all of our amazing friends and family who were thinking of us, praying for us, wished us luck, sent us texts, phoned us and/or wrote us on facebook today. THANK YOU ALL SOOOO MUCH!!!! we couldn't ask for better people in our lives and we felt so blessed today to know that so many people had us in their thoughts.

we have been stressed and anxiously waiting for this day for 3 months. we are really happy to have it behind us. here is what our day and the days leading up to today looked like. ** if you want background info as to why this MRI was necessary click here.

last friday the hospital called to give me instructions. we were told that he could not have any formula for the 6 hours prior to the test and he could only have water or apple juice up to 2 hours prior. we were also told that there should be 2 of us so that on the drive home one of us could be in the back helping jacob because he would most likely be vomiting. awesome. jacob really hasn't had any water before so i tried giving him some on the weekend but he would not drink it. i went and bought some apple juice (from the baby food section) and mixed a little bit in with some water and tried to feed that to him last night. he threw up all over our couch and carpet.....he has never vomited before!! shoot!! i was now at a loss. how is it going to be possible for him to go from 4:30am-10:30am without eating??? jacob is a kid who usually starts getting whiny 3 hours after a feeding. he was not going to last 6 hours!! this was a big stresser for me because i didn't know what to expect and knew that i wouldn't be able to fix it. i hate not knowing what to expect and not being in control (am i ever really in control though??....nope)

jacob went to bed last night. i madly packed everything i could think of that we might possibly need taking practically every worst case scenario into account. i had toys, a blanket, receiving blankets, wet and dry cloths, a plastic bib, 2 garbage bags, toys, 4 bottles, formula, mum mums, 2 changes of clothes for jacob, a new top for both steve and i (in case he barfed on us), apple juice....i am sure there was more but i think you get the picture. i was prepared! we went to bed and set our alarm for 4:15am.

i barely slept all night. i was up feeling sick because i was crazy nervous and could not put my mind to rest. 4:15 came. we fed him more than he normally eats in one feeding and tried to get back to sleep. no such luck for either of us. we got up just before 7. i tried to get water into jacob. he wouldn't take it. i tried a water and apple juice mix. he wouldn't take it. steve tried. nope. we tried spoon feeding it to him and he took 2 spoonfuls and started crying. he would cry, i would put a spoonful in his mouth while he was crying and it would all pour out. dang.

we put a very hungry jacob in the car at 8:15am and i knew we only had 15 mins to get clear fluids into him before he wouldn't be allowed anything else to drink. i decided that there was no point trying to force feed him. he was miserable already and i was only making it worse by trying to make him drink something he didn't want to. he was fussy for half of the drive to children's hospital. he finally fell asleep 20 mins before we arrived.

we suited jacob up in his hospital gown (i don't think anyone could possibly look so good in a hospital gown).

the nurse put his hospital bracelet on his ankle. jacob loved playing with it and eventually got it off his foot! she also put some numbing cream on his right foot and hand so that the IV wouldn't hurt as much.

she tried to take his blood pressure but he was way too squirmy. then she tried to listen to his heart and he had the hiccups and was moving so much that she had a lot of trouble. finally she weighed him and because he was moving a ton his weight fluctuated by 2 lbs. we could not get him to stay still. everything was new and he wanted to see it all and touch it all.

we then went into the waiting room until someone came and called us to radiology. again we waited (for another 45 mins....we were 30 mins past his appointment time when they finally came for him). they told us that we couldn't go with him because he wasn't a year old yet. we were both sad and relieved to get that news. we didn't want to see him in pain when they did the IV but we also wanted to be there with him to try and comfort him while he was getting the IV done. we were sent to a waiting room and told that he would be out in 20 mins but "don't panic if you don't see him for 25-30 mins." there was a sign in the room that said that in case of an emergency the wait could be as long as 1 hours. we waited....30 mins passed, nothing. 40 mins, nothing. 50 mins, nothing. 1 hour hit and i was ready to freak out. finally a nurse came in and called "JACOB'S PARENTS?" we hopped up and were told to go to the "post anesthesia" room. we (sped) walked down there. the room was one big open space with 8-10 beds. each bed had a child in it and a nurse beside every bed. it was silent except for one screaming kid. i instantly knew that scream. it was our little boy's scream. we rushed over to his bed where the nurse was trying to bottle feed him sugar water but he wasn't having any of it. i asked if i could pick him up and felt huge relief when she said yes. i scooped him into my arms and tried desperately to calm him. he was a different child. he was super floppy, couldn't hold his head up and was a blubbering mess. she pushed his bed down to the recovery room and we followed her, me carrying him. she left and original nurse returned. our nurse said we could feed him a bottle but to really dilute the formula and only give him a couple ozs. he gobbled down 3 ozs and continued to scream when we took the bottle away. we fed him some sugar water and he really wasn't enjoying it but did his best to chug some back. the crying continued. finally after 20 mins of crying he settled. i actually put him into the rocking position i used to carry him in as an infant. he hasn't let us carry him like that for months. he calmed right down as i rocked him.
once his body relaxed i sat and enjoyed cradling our little one for a bit. after 5 mins he dozed off. the nurse came in a while later and was happy that he hadn't thrown up. she said "if he was going to he would have by now". YAY!! she took his IV out and he didn't even wake up. we were then told that we could dress him and take him home.

the car ride home was one of the best car rides we have had in a long time. he was out of it enough that he was calm but not so out of it that he was cranky.

he has been cranky on and off the rest of the day but all things considered he has been amazing!

when we undressed him for his bath this evening we found this rash (which wasn't there when we dressed him before leaving the hospital). we didn't even know that he had anything on his chest during the MRI. hopefully it will be gone by tomorrow. poor little guy went through a lot today. may he rest well tonight and feel 100% normal tomorrow!

oh and why did the MRI take so long? we have NO idea! we were not given any info about how any of that went. we will however get the results on jan. 25th when we see the neurologist again.

personality colours

steve did a bunch of personality tests when he was in management at his work. these tests clumped people into 4 main colour categories. orange, blue, green and gold. apparently everyone has one main colour and a secondary colour. steve is a green gold. i am a blue green. here is a brief synopsis of who a person "is" according to the colours.

orange: risk taker, courageous, center of attention, impatient, act then think, leader, my way or the highway, most celebrities and criminals are orange (i found THAT interesting....)

green: introverted, problem solver, organized, logical, hard worker

blue: empathetic, observer, emotional, sensitive, thoughtful, carries the burdens of others, people pleaser

gold: visionary, teamplayer, leader, brings people together

for those of you who know me hopefully you agree that i am indeed primarily a blue. can you guess what colour you would be?

last night steve and i were talking about different people in our lives and how i really struggle to relate to anyone who is a certain way. generally people who are very free with their opinions, who are the center of every conversation (i know i can be this way at times....especially when i am nervous) and who act like they know everything about everything. these are people who i am often hurt by. i build up resentment towards them. i feel extremely uncomfortable around them and usually sit there silently stewing over everything they say.

as steve and i chatted about this i ended up saying that these are people (orange people) who i feel like i know SO well because they are always talking and telling everyone what they think and leading the conversation to topics of their choosing. i get to know them by default. but here was my issue with this....they don't know me at all. i think this is where the hurt and resentment comes in. i can leave these people's presence and feel filled with their thoughts on many topics and yet feel like they didn't take a second to ask me about what i felt. hmmmm...it's selfish, on my part. why do i care? why do i want them to know me? steve shed some light on this for me.

the main attributes of a blue person are empathy and observation. these can be great qualities in a person but they can also be a hindrance. when it comes to relating to orange people, these qualities are just that, a hindrance. i value empathy a lot. i am often observing people and trying to make sure that they are comfortable and that i am not upsetting them and that others aren't either. when i see that someone is hurting i actually physically feel uncomfortable. i want to fix it. tension in a room is something that i feel very intensely and it takes me a long time to relax after a tense situation. because of this i usually feel uncomfortable around orange people. they are louder and sometimes less observant because they are much more carefree (i would actually say that i am about 1% carefree and 99% uptight....not so good. orange people are probably 99% carefree and 1% uptight). now this is the point in my convo with steve when i realized i needed to change my thinking. i told steve that i feel super hurt by these people and often immediately feel like i don't like someone when they show these qualities. he said that i carry the hurt so much and always leave these people's presence feeling sick. I feel like maybe i was too cold to them because i didn't say much and i stress and worry that i hurt them too....etc etc. steve told me that orange people probably don't even know that i am at all hurt because they aren't watching me for those signs....that's not part of their personality. BAM! ok. so i am letting myself be hurt over and over and leaving these situations feeling HORRIBLE and the other person doesn't even realize? why am i agonizing over this? if they don't even care (or simply don't notice) then i really shouldn't either. i kind of got sassy and told steve that i am glad i am blue because at least i am empathetic towards others....ugh, that's not a good perspective is it? he told me that i would probably enjoy life WAY more if i was orange and not blue. i wouldn't take the weight of the world on my shoulders. not sure how to dial down those blue qualities when they get in the way of happiness....something to work on i guess.

25 christmas questions

i saw this on this blog today and thought it would be fun to fill out myself.
here are 25 questions about Christmas
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
gift bags because i have SO many that i have been hoarding and i need to use them. this year we are pretty much only doing gifts for jacob (and he isn't getting much, just some pajamas, 2 little books and a toy....other than the books he needs this stuff because he is growing out of his clothes and his toys). i wrapped the books because i thought it would be fun to see if he can rip the paper.

2. Real tree or Artificial?
i love the smell of a real tree and i love going and picking one out at a tree farm. this year we pulled out our tiny 4' tree that we used in our condo because we weren't allowed real trees and we didn't have room for a big artificial one.

3. When do you put up the tree?

beginning of december usually.
4. When do you take the tree down?
january 1st.

5. Do you like Egg Nog?

no. i love it.
6. Favorite gift received as a child?
that's a toss up between the big doll house and village that came with connecting sidewalks to all of the buildings and you could put the people on the sidewalks and use a magnetic key to make them travel from place to place OR my American Girl doll - samantha. :)

7. Hardest person to buy for?

steve. impossible.
8. Easiest person to buy for?
jacob :)
9. Do you have a nativity scene?
no, but i hope to buy the little people one next year for jacob.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?

i really should not be allowed to have an opinion about this because i am TERRIBLE at writing and sending cards of any kind. i do love getting snail mail though. :)
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
i am sure there have been some doozies from my great aunts on my dad's side but i can't think of any right now. i have been pretty blessed.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie?

elf is probably my favourite. but i also love miracle on 34th street, home alone and national lampoon's christmas vacation.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?

usually some time in december but this year i think i was basically finished by dec. 1st...but i hardly bought any gifts this year so it was easy.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?

not that i can remember

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas and favorite Christmas dessert?
i have many favourites! i love my mom's turkey and gravy. i also love my aunt cherry's ham that she always accompanies with cooked pineapple (my mouth is watering just thinking about it). for desserts nothing beats my mom's lemon chiffon pie.

16. Lights on the tree?

always.

17. Favorite Christmas song?

i have NO clue! i like almost all christmas music INCLUDING the stuff we sang in choir in high school. those were the days :)

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?

i like to be home on christmas day since that is steve's only day off work and then i like to head south on boxing day. we always go to seattle to my mom's family. years ago we used to go to forest grove, oregon every christmas and see my mom's extended family. BEST CHRISTMASES EVER!! we had so much fun and ate so much good food (my aunt ruth is an amazing cook!) and played tons of games.

19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer’s?
ON dasher, on dancer, on prancer, on vixen, on comet, on cupid, on donner and blitzen! but do you recall the most famous reindeer of all......RUDOLF the red nosed reindeer....
**i always have to sing the song in order to recite all of their names.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star?

neither. i put a snowflake on top....which makes no sense if it has to do with the christmas story but whatever.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?

this year we are starting a tradition with jacob (even though he won't have a clue what is going on). each christmas eve he will get two gifts, new pajamas and a new book. the rest of the gifts will be opened on christmas morning. (getting new pajamas is partially because he can then wear them to bed that night and have them on in the morning for pictures....yes i am that lame.)
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year?
driving in the snow.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color?

my ornaments are mostly red, silver and 2 shades of blue. i wouldn't say that it is my favourite colour scheme but whatever.
24. Handmade ornaments or store bought?
probably store bought unless someone makes an ornament for me then those are special. i am sure when jacob makes his first ornament it will be my favourite (i do have an ornaments from one of my past students that i hope to have forever).

25. What do you want for Christmas this year?
i really haven't given it much thought because steve and i aren't doing presents so there hasn't been a need to think of things. when my mom asked me i had a tough time coming up with stuff and ended up asking for things i need rather than want....like new towels. we need them because the colour is coming out of our towels and the ones we use the most have holes. :(

...retraction??

ever since i published my previous post i have felt slightly stressed. i have been really worried that it might come across like someone said something that pushed me over the edge and made me get so upset that i blogged about it. i guess that is what happened but it's not what you are thinking. you see a couple days ago i read this post (if you follow the link don't be turned off by the title....it's actually VERY thought provoking) which talks a TON about judging others. because my world seems to revolve around jacob right now i tend to talk to a lot of other moms about our kids. i am very fast to either think judgmental thoughts or even say judgmental things. when i read that post it was like a slap in the face....but a good one. it opened my eyes to a lot of areas that i need to work on. that's what got me thinking and made me decide to write the post i wrote earlier. i was coming from a place of disappointment in myself. i know that i am quick to think of how others have hurt me (the whole woe-is-me thing comes pretty naturally) and what i really should be doing is thinking about how I CAN CHANGE. my intention was for that post to show that i want to work on not being judgmental....i am worried that it instead came across like i am just complaining about other people. :(

if you were offended by what i said or thought that i was talking about you or worried that you said something to me that made me feel like this DON'T be-you didn't!! hopefully this clears all of that up.

why do moms hurt moms?

today i have attempted to write a post about my frustration with myself and other moms. i have written that post 3 times and deleted it. i don't know how i can say what i want to say without majorly offending people or making people think that i am talking specifically about them. ugh! then i read this post and thought....perfect! she said it for me! :) she talks about how we are so quick to judge one another...except that instead of feeling judged by non-moms (as she writes in her post) i feel judged by moms. we moms should know better than to impose our opinions on each other. we know how it feels when other moms say things that sound like they can parent YOUR CHILD better than you can. it's ridiculous! i don't care if you have had 10 babies....you don't know MY baby and i am the best mom for him. and you are the best mom for your baby, not me. i know i have been majorly guilty of judging other moms and dumping my opinion on them when i haven't been asked to share it. i know i have hurt, upset, frustrated other moms with my "well-meaning" advice. i didn't want to, but regardless of my motive i did hurt them. i have been hurt, upset, and frustrated by other moms too. i know they meant well but it makes me second guess myself so much....and don't we already second guess ourselves enough?

anyway, if you are interested you should read the post i linked above. i feel like i need to make more of an effort to listen to someone vent instead of jumping to "fix-it" mode. a lot of the time i think we want to fix the problem for other people when really all the person wants is for someone to listen.