Yesterday our church started a new sermon series (3 week
series) on Mental Illness. Every year our church tackles a topic that they call
an “Elephant in the Church”. Each year the series has been one of my
favourites! This year I am particularly excited about it because I am someone
who struggles with mental illness. I was/am very interested in hearing what will
be said on the topic. I am particularly interested in hearing about people in
the church who are mentally ill and leaders in some capacity. I feel like a lot
of people assume that because you are mentally ill you can’t work or lead
others. This just isn’t the case. It isn’t my experience. In fact I feel like people
who have experienced mental illness have a lot to offer. I have no idea if that
will be addressed in the sermons but I am eager to listen and see if it is.
Here’s the thing…I am working on a new ministry at our
church. I don’t yet know if it will take off or not but it is a work in
progress. Our church leaders need to see if this is something that they are
passionate about, have time for and people for. A lot of work and planning goes
into running a church of our size (not that I even know the half of what is
involved) and figuring out how to use their “man-power” best is something that
needs to be prayerfully considered. Most people are just really interested and
excited to hear what myself and others are working on for this ministry but
there have been a few who know my past with mental illness and have questioned
me on whether or not I am capable of taking on something like this. Maybe you
are nodding along thinking “Yeah….how can she do this?” or maybe you are
sitting there and thinking “what? There is no reason why she can’t.” I get both
sides. Of course it stings when someone questions my ability but all that shows
me is that either their past experiences or lack of experiences with mental
health is skewed. There have been 2 lows in my life (after each baby) where I
wasn’t able to do much of anything. Caring for myself was too hard, let alone
thinking much of others. I was chemically imbalanced. My body wasn’t adjusting
well to hormones and I needed to get on meds to level off. It takes 6-8 weeks
to see improvements when on anti-depressants and that is once you have found a
medication and dosage that works for you. Each time I had 2-3 months of needing
lots of extra support while I got onto meds and came out of (what I call) a
dark pit. A really important part of my health and well-being is consistently
being on meds. After having Jacob and needing to go on medication I stayed on
those pills up until I was pregnant with Livia. I didn’t like the idea of being
on my anxiety meds while pregnant so I went off them and decided I might as
well be med free for the health of my baby and also went off my
anti-depressant. WRONG CALL….or at least
I think I was the wrong call. I don’t know how the pills would have affected
Livy but I wasn’t willing to risk it. Instead I risked my well-being and in
turn could have potentially risked hers as well.
About half way into my pregnancy with Livia I started to cry
a lot, feel really down about life and have little motivation to do anything. I
would cry at every doctor appointment and my OB would suggest that I go back on
my anti-depressants. I would always say “I will think about it.” One time she
gave me a prescription and told me to at least fill it so I would have it on
hand if I decide to take them. I never filled it. I just struggled through thinking
that I was doing the best thing for my baby when, in actuality, I was potentially
putting a lot of stress on her because of what my body was going through. Once
she was born the “baby blues” wouldn’t lift. The anxiety crept in quickly. I
spent a ton of time outside through the Spring and Summer. Lots of neighbours
to hang out with and being social helps me a lot. As Fall hit I went downhill
really quickly! I knew it was time to get back on my meds. I was no longer
breastfeeding (knowing that I needed to go on meds played into my decision to
switch to formula…stopping breastfeeding helped lift some of my anxiety so I
thought I could cope without the pills but I was wrong) so I started back on
the same meds I had been on before. In hind sight I wish I had at least stayed
on my anti-depressant (Zoloft) throughout my pregnancy. The roller coaster of
emotions and anxiety was so hard on me and my family. Now that I am on meds
consistently I feel significantly better. I still have days where I feel more
anxious or more down but I don’t stay down, I come out of it more quickly and I
am able to see the signs more quickly and do some simple practical things to
help my mood and lower my anxiety. But
doesn’t everyone have days like that? Don’t we all get overwhelmed at times and
need a break. Can’t we all benefit from listening to our bodies and learning
how to best care for ourselves? I believe so.
Am I mad that people have questioned my abilities based on
the fact that I struggle with depression and anxiety? No. All I am trying to
get across with this post is that we (society) have a long ways to go with
understanding mental illness. I am so happy that our church is lifting the veil
on this topic. It’s so nice to hear it being discussed and seeing people
genuinely interested in learning how to care for and love someone who is
mentally ill. No one needs to fix my “issues” for me. No one needs to protect
me from myself or from circumstances that could lead to another dip. No one is
responsible for me. Those are my jobs. I need to be on alert for my own
well-being. I need to talk to professionals for help. I need to avoid (or
carefully engage in) circumstances that could lead to a low. If you want to
help someone, just listen. That’s it. It’s pretty simple. J
I just need to quickly add that in my lows people have
rallied around me in a really positive way! I have had great friends and family
members who have just listened, dropped off a little pick me up, sent me a
sweet text or facebook message letting me know they were thinking of me or
asked me the best question, “What can I do for you?” However, I know that my tendency can be to try
and fix what I perceive to be other peoples’ areas of need. I need to check
myself when I am caring for others. I need to listen more and talk less. Keep
it simple, cause it is simple.
