Monday, September 3, 2012

Am I failing?

Last night a friend sent me a link to a blog post. It is titled "Dear sweet mom who feels like she is failing". Sigh. Immediately upon reading the title I was in tears. I do feel like I am failing on a daily basis. I know my kid is healthy, clean (well as clean as you can expect a 15 month old boy to be who plays outside everyday), fed, changed and relatively happy...but regardless I feel like I have failed him. You see I have a bad attitude. I have SUCH a hard time enjoying playing with him, going places with him and just doing the day to day mundane things. My bad attitude all stems from fear. Fear of a meltdown. Fear of drawing attention to myself and him in a negative way. I don't want others to think that I am failing. I don't want to be judged by them. I will instantly assume that I am being judged if Jacob is fussy, crying or tantrumming in public. I also fear that people will judge me for what he wears, how much he talks, how i do or don't punish or what I do or don't feed him. I stress about what he eats A LOT! In fact I probably think about his food more than I think about anything else all day. Between his 3 meals and 3 snacks everyday it feels like a full time job.

I also feel like I am failing to keep my house clean. It's clean...but not white glove clean. Please don't look at my blinds or I may die of absolute embarrassment. Sure I could clean them, but I don't want to. I don't feel like I have the energy to.

I also feel like I am failing at feeding Steve and me. Because I put so much thought into Jacob's food I often forget to plan meals for Steve and I. We don't eat as a family during the week because Steve isn't home early enough from work for that to happen. He usually gets home just before Jacob goes to bed or after he is in bed. Therefore Jacob doesn't eat the same dinner as us. Steve and I have dinner together once Jacob is in bed. I am SO bad at planning ahead for meals...and thawing meat is pretty important if you want dinner (at least it is for Steve since he is a HUGE carnivore). (Also I feel the constant need to defend myself and the choices that I I feel the need to tell you that I know Jacob should eat with us as a family since it creates a better relationship with food and a better understanding of meals BUT I also need time with Steve and dinner is the only way that happens consistently.)

...anyway...after reading the blog post I felt a little less alone and I feel like I need to give myself a little more slack. Going back to work will be a bit of an escape from sitting in my house and seeing all the things that I am "failing" at.

You should take a's a good one.
Read blog post here

1 comment:

  1. i was just thinking it would be cool to write up a "reasonable expectations of a mom" checklist. i feel it too. i wrote a blog post about something similar last night: if you're interested.