jacob turned one on may 18th. it's still hard to believe that he is already one and yet i also find it hard to believe that he has only been a part of our lives for one year. funny how that works. ;) i feel like as soon as i returned to work and J had his birthday i have been getting asked almost daily when we will have a second baby. this is a tough question for me. i am never sure how to answer it. don't get me wrong, i don't mind being asked i just don't know how to respond when i myself don't know the answer.
this year with jacob has been insanely rewarding and yet extremely hard on me. i have learned a lot about myself and honestly i have really let myself down this year. i had HIGH expectations for myself as a mom. i have worked with babies, kids and teens for YEARS and felt like i was as ready as i could possibly be for being a mom. WRONG! nothing can really prepare you for this switch. i have learned that i am a very selfish person. i like time to myself, time with friends and time with steve. i have felt like i no longer have much of any of that....or at least not to the extent that i want/feel i need. i have worked hard to change this about myself but it hasn't come easily. there really is not enough time in the day. currently work is my time for me and my time to be with friends. time with steve? that doesn't happen very much. even for our 5 year anniversary (FIVE YEARS PEOPLE.....seems like a big anniversary to me) all we had time for was dinner (and it sucked). i really enjoy time away from the house with just steve and i and that barely ever happens.
i thought i would love sitting on the floor with my little guy and playing with him all day long. again i am disappointed with myself because after i have built towers for him to knock over a million times and had the same "my baby elephant" book passed to me 20 times to be read i am finished playing and want to do something else. i feel crummy for being bored. i feel frustrated when he stands next to me grabbing my leg whining because i put the book out of reach.i feel down right angry at myself for not sucking it up and getting myself back on the floor with my kid and reading the book again until HE decides that it is enough. why can't i just enjoy all of this more? why can't i really take in these moments with him and just be happy to be reading to him while he still wants me to?
i can't stop looking around my house and seeing the MILLION things that need to be done. the dishes, cleaning bottles, dusting, mopping the floors, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, cleaning windows, laundry....it never ends and i feel like i can never be ahead of the game.
i feel like i am constantly second guessing whether or not i am feeding him a balanced diet, feeding him enough, is he getting enough sleep, should i let him cry, should i scoop him up as soon as he cries, do i play with him enough, do i carry him enough, do i show him enough affection, am i teaching him anything, am i expecting too much or too little from him, does he spend enough time outside, does he even like me....i could go on forever. seriously. i never feel at peace. peace is what i crave.
back to the reason i started this post...do i feel like i am ready for another kid....NOT AT ALL. i know it wouldn't be fair to jacob right now. he doesn't have my full attention and he is the only kid i have. how can i divide the attention he does get with another child when i already feel guilty about not spending enough quality time with him. i feel too tense, too stressed, too anxious to have jacob AND a baby. i remember how consuming jacob was as a newborn. how much he cried. how much his health issues scared me and stressed me out. i know i don't have it in me to do that again and take care of jacob the way i want to at the same time
i have a big fear. what if i never feel ready for another? i don't want jacob to be an only child. but if i won't ever feel ready then i will just have to force myself to do it so that he won't be an only child. and if i am going to have to force myself at some point then maybe i should just do it soon so that he will be close in age to his brother or sister....ok....that statement scares me a lot! i know i can't handle being pregnant again "soon". is this normal? do other first time moms feel this way? does there really actually come a time when i will feel "ready"? why does it seem like other moms around me can have a second baby soon after their first and not seem to be scared and stressed? eeeekkkkk!!!! this whole having babies thing is a pretty big deal.
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Aw hun, when it comes to motherhood there is no normal. Just whatever is best for you or your family. Everything just becomes normal. Audrey and Beckham are just over 15 months apart and there has been some hard times but it just becomes normal. I find I blog more to remember to moments because otherwise I sit down at the end of a week and am horrified that I can't remember anything at ALL. You're a great mom, and god blessed you with a heart to be concerned and put Jacob first. That is all good. I know I'm quirky Brent and I are done but I mega have the itch again, it's bad. I need to find something to replace the itch with. You'll figure it all out, it just takes time :) love ya
ReplyDeleteas my mom explained it to me - becoming a mother brings you face to face with your own selfishness and forces selflessness upon you whether you like it or not. it is a difficult but maturing experience like no other.
ReplyDeletethe fact that you know that right now you don't want another kid is a sign of your increasing maturity - you're thinking about jacob's well being as well as knowing yourself. kids can have years and years between them and still be great friends/companions. there's no rush to think about DECIDING...just enjoy the good days (and have a drink on the bad days...)
and there is NO mom who wants to spend every moment with their kid. (or if there is, i don't think we could be friends...) it's okay to not want to play all the time. he'll learn to play on his own too - i swear - it's coming.
I am learning that it is extremely important for me to listen to that inner voice inside that tells me what I am ready for, afraid of, overwhelmed by, don't want. That voice, as far as I can tell, is in all of us. For me, it screams louder and louder the more I ignore it (ie, i get sick). If I can offer some unsolicited advice it would be this (take it or leave it): if you are overwhelmed by the thought of having another child, then I would consider holding off UNTIL you find out WHY you feel unready so you can face it and decide if you will attempt to address it so you can be OK if you DO choose to have #2. For me, listening to my gut reaction is part of learning how to love myself, which directly links to my ability to love and care for my family. Listening to the part of us that is talking, accepting it as it is without judgement of whether or not it SHOULD feel that way (I'm learning this). It is kind of like working with ourselves in a team effort... as strange as that sounds.
ReplyDeleteThis is the voice I have been trying to pay attention to as I am deciding with Tim about having more kids too. It sucks to admit that I don't think I can handle it, but at the same time, it feels peaceful because I feel like I am making the choice that will help me and my kids thrive. I'm not hinting at what your choice should be at all, I'm just sharing what happened when I paid attention to the panic I felt when I thought of having another child.
And I agree with the mom above, none of us want to be with our kids all the time, I am often fighting with my kids for some space... very often!