off to work i go

wow....it's been 3 months since i have written a post. honestly i have become lazy, a little discouraged and somewhat overwhelmed at the thought of coming up with something to write about. i was over-thinking it. i don't want to come on here and write stuff that comes across as being all complaints or judgey...so i avoided it. i am going to attempt to give it another go. 

what's new in my world?? i am going back to work (insert doom sounding music here)...how do i feel about it? VERY MIXED!!! i am SUPER excited on the one hand and on the other i am petrified. i rarely leave Jacob with other people. i am a micro-managing-controlling mom who over thinks absolutely everything. J is just starting to act like he needs me...me specifically, not just anyone like before. even with steve sometimes J reaches out for me and can only be comforted by me. i feel like this all started when he began crawling. he bangs his head a lot now and gets hurt, cries and needs to be held. he has decided that i need to comfort him, not daddy, it needs to be mom. this worries me. i am going to be leaving him 5 days a week from 7:30am-3:30 pm. i am praying that it goes ok. what has been really helpful so far is that i know i am only back to work for 6 weeks and 3 days. there is a light at the end of the tunnel. i have also been telling myself that most moms now go back to work after their 1 year mat leave and they all leave their kids. i have yet to see any kids who seem damaged by this therefore my kid will also be fine. he won't hate me forever because i went back to work for a bit and he won't forget me either. i will have 4 hours with him before bed each day, all day saturday alone with him and then sunday both steve and i will be home. it will be fine. it will be fine. IT WILL BE FINE! 

why did i decide to go back? i have a complicated answer to this question. a lot of things played into this. steve has been looking for a new job for MONTHS now and still has yet to find the right match. me going back to work and continuing to make some income until june will take a little pressure off him. another reason is that i am starting to feel like i NEED something else in my life. i can't seem to find a hobby that really interests me and uses my brain in a different way (and isn't awfully expensive) so back to work i go. i love my job. i love the people. i love the kids. so why not? and the third reason is a BIG one. i thought about going back to my old position (which would have meant that i had to return to work last week) but i know that i want to be a stay-at-home mom and only wanted to return to work short term (until the end of the school year). if i took my old job back i would be taking someone else's job away. for what? for 3 months? i didn't think it was fair to take her job and then for me to not return in september. i also didn't think it would be fair to the kids i would be with or the teachers. it takes a good month to feel accustomed to a new job. i would have been with past students (who i ADORE and miss terribly) but at a new campus....so much to learn when you go to a new school (and honestly anything new is VERY anxiety provoking for me). the job that i am taking for 6 weeks and 3 days is my friend's job. she is going on maternity leave. i am not taking her job away from her. also, i know the school already, i have worked with 3 of the 4 kids before and worked in one of the classrooms last year. i feel like it's a win-win for me and the school. they don't have to train a new person. i just need to be shown where the kids are at and get used to one new classroom. (....plus i think going to work should/would/could/hopefully WILL help me to calm down and give up some control and trust that everything will be just fine.)

who is looking after jacob? great question. steve's days off are currently sunday and monday. he will have jacob on mondays. he also works 2 late shifts a week (meaning he leaves for work at noon) so those 2 days he will have jacob until 12pm at which time a babysitter (michelle) will come over and watch jacob until i get home at 3:30-ish. the other 2 days he will be with either my mom or steve's mom (there are some exceptions to this but generally this is how it will work).  

may 7th is my first day back. anxiously preparing myself for this BIG (but short lived) change.