Jacob vs. Livia

Our 2 kids are SO different. There is almost nothing about them that seems the same. Jacob cried for months and months. Livia is the calmest baby who wakes grunting or cooing or we just hear her rolling around in her crib. She cries a little here and there but if she is crying hard something is REALLY bugging her. Jacob was slow to gain weight. Livia is packing it on. Jacob was a horrible sleeper and Livia sleeps from 7:30pm-7:30am with only one feed... They just have completely different demeanors as babies. It's really neat to experience.

When Jacob was 3 months he had a routine check-up and the doctor noticed that his arms would shake and he seemed unusually stiff. We hadn't noticed anything because he was our first baby and didn't have anyone to compare him to. After an appointment with a pediatrician he was sent to see a neurologist at Children's Hospital then had an EEG, 2 rounds of blood work and an MRI. We were told he had high muscle tone and was presenting with spastic quadriparesis. If you want to read more about his story you can do that here , here and here. He is fine now. Such a stressful time and we are very thankful that it's all in Jacob's past and not part of his present.

We never experienced a "typical" baby. Jacob was often stiff, uncomfortable and upset. Here are some pictures of him having some stiff moments (his legs would straighten, knees would lock, hips would lock and his arms would often shake.

Now that we have Livia we are experiencing what a baby "should" feel like. She loves to have her legs curled up. She kicks her legs a lot. She loves to jump. Jacob didn't do these things. He had to be very relaxed to have his legs curled up. As a newborn he was rarely as curled up as Livia was. Steve and I have said to each other so many times how different Livia feels. We feel silly for not realizing how uncomfortable Jacob really was. We just didn't know. And no one else really noticed either. You needed to be around him a lot to get a clear idea of how he was. Many people told us how "strong" Jacob seemed because he loved to stand and we barely had to support him because he would rarely unlock his knees. Others would comment on how much his arms shook and it wasn't until the doctor was concerned that we really started to notice it too. We didn't know what was "normal."

Tonight I watched a little video of Jacob as a baby and his arms were shaking so badly. It brought tears to my eyes. Tears because I am SO thankful that he is 100% healthy now and tears because I am sad that he was struggling and that he had to go through so much as a little baby.

I am over the top thankful that our little Livia is so different than Jacob. It's an amazing kind of different. A difference that only Steve and I can truly appreciate. As she grows up we hope she is like Jacob in a lot of ways. We hope she follows his footsteps when it comes to how he loves people. He will be an amazing example to her in so many ways. Siblings is a beautiful thing. We are glad they have each other for life.

Birth Story: Livia Jayne

This is a post I have been thinking about A LOT over the past (nearly) 7 weeks and yet this is the first slot of time I have had to sit and begin to write it. Oh life with a newborn is busy when a toddler is involved. (this actually ended up being written over a few days...ha!)

**If you wish to read Jacob's birth story you can find it here.**

My due date was March 17th. I had told myself that I would expect her to arrive about a week late because that's how it went with Jacob. As I crept further and further into the pregnancy and the weeks passed by I was CONVINCED she would be early. This pregnancy was hard on me. Quite different than with Jacob. Pain every day, most of the day, with extremely worse pain at night. I barely slept from 20 weeks until the end. The exhaustion was overwhelming. I averaged 2-4 hours a night of very broken sleep. I often cried at night because the pain was so terrible. Despite my discomfort my little girl waited until 40 weeks and 6 days to make her arrival.

On Sunday, March 23rd we started our day with grocery shopping and then church. My brother was quite surprised that I was at church that morning. He said "What if your water breaks while you are here?"....I was worried about that too. I made it through the service without that happening....phew! After church we went home for Jacob to have his nap. It was a beautiful sunny day so we took him outside to play for the afternoon with the neighbour kids. I sat most of the time feeling sorry for myself (haha) and then we headed in for a bbq dinner. Right before dinner Steve's mom called me to see how I was doing. She told me, "We think today is the day," I laughed and said, "Even if I went into labour RIGHT now she wouldn't arrive today. My labour with Jacob was long and I am expecting that again" (it was 5:30pm). We had a yummy dinner and then I went up to the bathroom. I felt a little pop on the top left of my belly followed by a small trickle of fluid. I figured this was it but knew that my water could break up to 24 hours before going into labour. I went back downstairs and sat on the bottom step to chat with Jacob. After a couple mins I stood up and then my water broke BIG TIME. Still no contractions though. I changed my clothes while Steve called his parents to come and be with Jacob. This was at 6:15pm.

Next I called the maternity ward to inform them that my water broke and to see if I needed to go in or not. They told me that they were on diversion (meaning that they are sending incoming patients to other hospitals because they don't have space and/or nurses) but asked me to call them back once Steve's parents arrived at our house and they would give me instructions. I quickly packed the remaining things I needed for my hospital bags and then Steve's parents showed up at about 7:00pm. Just before they got there I started having some minor contractions. I called the hospital and they told me to come to them and get checked and then they would tell us where they were going to send us. I wasn't happy but there was nothing I could do about it. By the time we left at 7:10pm I had had 4 contractions just trying to get from the kitchen to the car. They were short but close together. By the time we got to the hospital at 7:25pm I was needing to breathe through them. I felt a bit panicky because everything was happening so fast. It took me 7 hours to get to the point where I needed to breathe through the contractions when I was in labour with Jacob. I was still thinking that this was going to be a long labour but was now scared that it was going to be harder for longer then with Jacob. That was a VERY scary thought to me.

We got up to the maternity ward and they took me into a room immediately (not the normal evaluation room that labouring women are examined in when they first arrive). The nurse checked me and said I was 3.5cms. I had been that dilated on Tuesday when I saw my doctor. Shoot, no change! The nurse told me that they couldn't find a bed for me at any other hospital so I would be staying at LMH and she would be staying overtime because of me. She made MANY comments about how she hates overtime and told me "You better have this baby fast, I want to go home"....I was very disappointed that this was my nurse. She was not kind like the other nurses I had had when I delivered Jacob. I did my best to remind myself that she was exhausted from her 12 hour shift that was should have ended when I walked in the door and that she was possibly having a bad day. Throughout the course of my labour she made comments that either made me cry, uncomfortable or angry. I won't say any more about those comments (as some of them I can't even bring myself to share) but she majorly played into my anxieties and stress.

I found out that Dr. Mah was the doctor on call from my clinic. I hadn't had any appointments with her during this pregnancy but remembered her from when I was pregnant with Jacob. She was very busy with a delivery of twins so she was unable to come in and see me once I was admitted.

The nurse asked me why my forms stated that I needed an early IV. Steve explained that I got dehydrated with Jacob and the nurses had an extremely hard time finding a vein. He also told her that I hoped to have an epidural and wanted to avoid the 45 mins of pricking that I had last time when they couldn't get a vein. She came and put the IV in about 20 mins later. I was having contractions quite close together and was squeezing Steve's hand SO hard (something I didn't do the first time) with each contraction. I would apologize to him after the contractions because I was worried I was hurting him but I couldn't even stop myself from doing it in the moment. Then the nurse told me that I would need to wait a while for the epidural because the anesthesiologist was doing a spinal tap for someone. I asked how long she thought it might be. She said 45 mins - an hour. She asked if I wanted something else for pain and I told her no because I felt like I could handle it for another hour. My contractions were now about 2 mins apart and lasting 1-1.5 mins. It was now 8:55pm.Within 15 mins of her leaving my room the contractions picked up like crazy! I couldn't stay still. I felt so squirmy. I felt completely out of control. I needed the gas mask. Even between contractions I couldn't handle the way I felt. Every part of me was writhing in pain. I asked for something for the pain. She checked me and said I was 6cms. She said I could have fentanyl. I couldn't think. I couldn't remember what that was but I wanted it regardless. She came back and I vaguely remember her saying that she was going to give me half a dose and see how I did with it. I couldn't respond.

30 mins after getting the fentanyl I had felt NO difference in the pain. It was getting worse. I was moving all over the bed desperate to find a position that relieved some pain. I was still squeezing Steve's hand for every contraction plus squeezing the gas mask against my face as hard as possible. I was screaming into the mask with each contraction (with Jacob I was SILENT). The nurse would pull the mask away from my face between contractions because I wasn't even really aware that I was still holding it there. She kept saying to me, "You aren't getting any breaks. They just keep coming!" I had to push. My body pushed whether I wanted it to or not. Again I felt out of control. I knew I was only 6cm just over 30 mins ago. I knew that pushing before being completely dilated wasn't good. I tried to pant in order to not push but it didn't help. I finally managed to yell "I HAVE TO PUSH. I CAN'T HELP IT!!" She quickly checked me and said "She's 10. We're having this baby now." Steve said, "What do you mean?" (in complete disbelief). The nurse replied with, "She's having this baby without the epidural." I didn't want to do it. I didn't know how I would do it. She said to me (a little louder now so I knew she was talking to me this time), "Your baby will be out in 10 mins. She is SO low. I am going to deliver your baby. Don't worry, I have delivered thousands of babies." I still hadn't seen the doctor. I was thinking: How am I having this baby now when I haven't seen the doctor yet? And TEN minutes? NO WAY! I pushed for 2 hours with Jacob. I can't do 2 hours. I don't even think I can do 10 mins. Oh God, please help me!

I was still pushing without even trying. Within a couple mins I heard Dr. Mah's voice. One more push and that was it. Our girl was here. 10:16pm. 4 hours from when my water broke. and 3.5 hours since my first contraction. They put her on me. I tried to hold her but felt very weak. Everything went from being very fuzzy to being very clear. I finally opened my eyes after about an hour of squeezing them closed. I saw people in the room that I didn't even know were there. I couldn't believe my girl was here. I forgot about the pain. I felt nothing but this little body on me. I said "She's tiny." Within a couple mins I said that I needed to push again and within one push the placenta was out. I was so thankful to have it all behind me. I turned to Steve and said, "Never again." He nodded.

Livia was weighed and measured. 8lbs 5ozs (not at all tiny like I had thought) and 21.5". She didn't have the cone head like her brother had. She was perfect.

Within about an hour I was up and showering. That shocked me because it took almost 12 hours for me to be out of bed, and not passing out, after I delivered Jacob. That shower felt so good and so awful at the same time. I had forgotten how difficult it is to stand up straight. It felt like there was a big empty gap in my belly. I felt so uncomfortable. But the water felt so good. I was still shivering and shaking like crazy and got out of there pretty quickly but was so happy to feel that water even for just a few mins.

We didn't have any visitors that evening. We wanted to sleep when Livia had her long recovery sleep, and she did a long 6 hour stretch. I have no idea if this is accurate or not but I feel like sleeping from midnight to 6am that first night set her up for not mixing up her days and nights. She has taken her long stretch of sleep at night, every night since she was born. :)

I need to say that all of the other nurses (particularly Elva) were wonderful!! I am still so happy I delivered at LMH again. I had Elva for both day shifts that I was there for and she was BEYOND fantastic. Such a calming presence. Very encouraging. She asked a lot of questions about Jacob (which made me happy) and was so sweet to me as I bawled my eyes out to my family doctor. When he came to see Livia I cried a ton because feeding wasn't going well....again....just like with Jacob. She listened. Praised me for working so hard at it. I know she didn't need to do these things. They aren't technically part of her job but she did it regardless. And she helped me. A lot.

We went home on the Tuesday in the early afternoon. Livia needed an extra blood test because of some jaundice but thankfully she checked out just fine. The girl didn't even cry for the blood tests!!! (Jacob screamed. Hard.) She is such a peaceful baby. We are thrilled to have her in our lives. Couldn't imagine our family without her. The perfect addition.

Her name:
Livia - this name we heard when a friend of a friend named their daughter Livia (she was born a few months after Jacob). I thought it was such an adorable name. We had loved the name Olivia and Jacob would have likely been named that if he had been a girl. But Livia...just slightly different and yet it seems so original. Finding a meaning for Livia has been kind of tricky. It is a form of Olivia which means Olive, but I did some serious digging and found that it also has the meaning "peace and harmony." Isn't that a lovely meaning? I think it's perfect. Just what I need in my life. A little peace and harmony.
Jayne - I thought Livia Jane sounded nice. It just kind of goes together in my mind. I told a friend (Lindsay) that I was thinking of using Jane for the middle name and she suggested adding a Y. It made me go from "I like it" to "I LOVE it." Jayne means "Gift from God" which is also what Lael means...how awesome is that?!

Depression round 2

Here we go again. A little over a year since my depression and anxiety got out of control. I am by no means in as bad of a place as I was last winter but I have been inching closer and closer the last few months. I have taken a different approach this time. I didn't talk about it. I didn't really even tell Steve how I was feeling. occasionally I mentioned that I felt like I was slipping back into depression but otherwise I said nothing...just a passing comment here and there. I didn't tell friends or any other family for a long time. I started crying every day again. Started feeling overwhelmed with life every day. Started feeling scared of irrational things again. It felt too familiar. I thought that if I avoided talking about it it would go away. It wouldn't be my reality. I could pretend nothing was happening. Maybe if I didn't talk about it I wouldn't think about it as much. This hasn't actually worked for me. (Surprise, surprise.) I am still struggling daily but I am just mainly doing it alone. Steve has caught on to how I have been doing because I couldn't control my emotions. I was crying at the drop of a hat over what seemed like such ridiculous things. I didn't want to leave bed. I would forget to eat meals. I started to care less about the normal day-to-day clean up of the house (Steve would come home to lunch dishes still on the table, laundry piling up and dusting that hadn't happened in days....very unlike me). He encouraged me a few weeks ago to reach out to some people. Just tell some people how I am doing instead of acting like everything was going as normal. I am not sure if that has helped me or not but I did it anyways.

I was recently at a counseling session and I told the counselor that last time this happened I was very public about what I was going through. I blogged a few times, went to friends' houses to escape what would overwhelm me at home, cried to friends, called people when I needed to talk and was generally an open book. She asked me why I wasn't being like that this time. I told her that I am embarrassed this time. I feel like this shouldn't be happening again. Did I learn NOTHING last time? Why can't I power through this? I feel weak because I have slipped back into this pattern. I told her that last time I felt like I had something valuable to share. I wanted other women to recognize what postpartum depression (or just depression in general) can look like. It has so many faces and I wanted to share what it looked like for me. I wasn't ashamed that I needed meds and counseling and help caring for Jacob. I wanted to share my journey through depression. Well that journey ended last march...or so I thought. This time I am ashamed. I hate that I am back in a similar place. I hate that I thought it was all over and it crept back in. I hate that I couldn't stop it from happening again. She told me that she thinks my experience this time is potentially more valuable then last time. Depression tends to be something that people struggle with for life. Sharing the first big low is great but sharing about living with depression on a longer term basis is actually more real. I don't like hearing that this is something I will likely battle for my whole life. I don't like not having complete freedom from this.

So....this is what I have to share. This is my experience. Depression, for me, comes in waves. Sometimes the waves are big and swallow me up, sometimes they are small and easier to wade through. I just have to keep going, keep pushing through. Steve, Jacob and this little baby girl inside me need me to keep going, keep battling and keep living life day-by-day. That's the key for me. Day-by-day. I can't look at the big picture. I can't look at tomorrow or months down the road. Everything feels like a domino affect if I do that. What happens today will mess with tomorrow and the next day and the next day....so I need to stay present in today. No stressing over this baby that is coming. She will come regardless so worrying and stressing over how Jacob will adjust and how I will adjust to 2 isn't going to do much good. We have prepped Jacob. He is in a new room. He talks about his baby sister. We talk about how she will cry and mommy and daddy will need to hold her. Steve and I have discussed ways in which we feel we can best help Jacob adjust once she is here but until then there isn't much more we can do....so why think and worry about it? That's incredibly difficult for me. My mind is generally racing. So to slow things down and actually be aware of what I am thinking about and forcing myself to not think about certain things is new for me. And finally I need to be ok putting up boundaries. I need to stop apologizing when I can't handle something. I need to know how much I can take on and be aware of when I have done too much. I need to take baby steps and give myself a break when I feel like I have fallen again or failed again. I need to ask for help. I need to put my pride aside and just simply ask for help.

It's a journey I didn't plan on being on but I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other because this is the path I have been given.

My thoughts and feelings on having a second child

I am having a baby. I am having a SECOND baby. I am having a daughter.

When I was pregnant with Jacob I was excited about everything baby. I was THRILLED to be changing my life and going from being employed to being home raising my son. I was looking forward to holding someone most of the day. To being everything he needed. To feeding him, comforting him, playing with him and changing my life for him....I had NO idea what I was actually getting myself into. I didn't know how hard it would be to listen to my child cry for hours and not be able to console him. I didn't know how much I would want to be back at work and doing ANYTHING but the tediousness of the day-to-day life of having a child. I didn't know how hard it would be to actually leave that little person and go to work despite wanting out so badly. I didn't know I could love the way I love him. I didn't know love could hurt so much and feel so good all at the same time. There is so much I didn't know.

This time around I feel educated. I know how crazy busy and boring life can be with kids. I know how exciting it can be to see my child learn and experience new things. I know how much I can offer my child. I know that I will fail my child. A lot of this knowledge is scaring me. Going in essentially blind was easier. I didn't know to be scared. I didn't know how guilty I would feel about so much. I didn't know I would constantly be second guessing myself on EVERYTHING....am I spoiling him too much or ignoring him too much? Am I expecting too much from him or too little? Am I socializing him enough or pushing him into social situations too much? Were all those medical tests a complete waste of time or do I appreciate all that he has learned that much more? Did he have enough protein today? Did he get enough fruit? Should I be forcing him to eat his veggies? It never ends. This is part of parenting....I didn't stress about parenting before I was parenting.

Now I think about this new baby girl and I am excited for us and very excited for Jacob. I think having a sibling is important. It's something I always knew I wanted to give my first born. I also knew I needed more than one child for a number of reasons. Unfortunately the excitement is quickly covered over with fear. How am I going to handle TWO? I struggle with feeling selfish now with only one kid. I hate that I need time away from him as often as I do. I hate that I get as overwhelmed as I do. I hate that everything feels so difficult for me and yet I think I see others managing a whole lot better than I am. I want to be better for my kids, for my husband and for myself. I want to feel more peaceful and happier. I know the good that can come from that for my whole family. I know that if I am not doing well my family is not doing well. Jacob picks up on everything. He knows my moods and senses my fear and stress. He is two and he is already being negatively affected by me.

Also....how can I make sure I give him the attention that he needs/craves when I have another little person to care for? Jacob is a boy who loves to have your undivided attention. He plays GREAT when you are sitting next to him the whole time, following him around and helping him whenever he asks. When I am busy with other things or just needing a little time to do something for me, he struggles. This adds to my nerves. I want to be there for him. I don't want him to feel abandoned or replaced when this new little one arrives but her needs and mine are important too. I know that having a sibling will be good for him but the transition will likely be so hard. I don't want to lose my tender little boy along the way.

A number of people have told me how much harder two is than one. I believe them but I believe that to be their truth. It doesn't HAVE to be mine. My main struggle has been redefining my life. I don't handle change well. I loved my job before I had Jacob. I was comfortable there. I felt like I had found something I was good at. I loved that I was with people all day...good people, fun people. I miss being with adults. That has been the hardest part about being a stay-at-home-mom. I am an extrovert and I get my energy from people. Being home all day, alone with a child drains me. I am slowly figuring out ways to be with adults throughout my week so that I am not feeling as exhausted all the time and it's helping. I am hoping that this might mean that going from one to two kids won't be as difficult for me as going from no kids to one was. Wishful thinking? Maybe.

Did anyone else feel as much apprehension about expanding their family as I currently am? Am I in this alone?

Postpartum Depression: update

I think it's time for an update on how I have been since my previous post about postpartum depression.

I am doing GREAT! Honestly, the last few weeks I have felt back to my old self. I have energy, I feel excited about things, I rarely cry and I haven't had a panic attack in weeks! Yes I still get anxious at times but if I feel like it is leading to a panic attack I can take an Ativan (which has only happened 3 times in a month and NONE of those times have been when I was with Jacob ). I am caring for Jacob on my own. No more relying on others to be here with Jacob when I am home. I have been taking Jacob out places and his meals rarely stress me out (they used to be one of the major anxiety provoking times each day).

So much has changed! Clearly I had an unbalance in my body and my meds have fixed that. It was a rough few months but but worth it to feel the way I do now.

I am so thankful for the many people who have been praying for me. For those who brought us meals. For family and friends who babysat. For people who sent me cards, dropped off flowers, magazines and little gifts. I am SO blessed to have amazing people in my life!

Postpartum

Many of you may have read on facebook that I have been going through a pretty rough time lately. I know people have their opinions about whether or not I should be sharing about my recent visit to the psych ward, my postpartum and my day to day struggles to cope with parenting Jacob without having major anxiety. Regardless of people's "advice" that I should be more private I am going to share what life has been like for me this past year and a half. People (probably well meaning people) have made me feel as though I should be ashamed, embarrassed and secretive about what I am going through. They have said that I should "never" have put anything on facebook about it, that it's no ones business. Others have thanked me for my openness, sent me encouraging messages, texts, calls or visited me. There have been times recently when I have been around people, crying, falling apart and everyone has ignored what is going on. I know that that is because they don't know what to do, can't understand what I am going through and think it's best for me to have my privacy. Everyones needs and wants are different when going through something like this. I need people. I need to feel supported. I need to feel like I have people I can call on in dark moments. I need people praying for me, rooting for me. I have some amazing people in my life right now who are helping me get through each day. Friends and family who are caring for Jacob, Steve and I. Friends who take me out so I can feel a little normal for a short time. Friends who I drop in at their houses when the noise at home is too much and I need to escape. I am so very thankful for these people. They have been a God send.

When Jacob was born I cried for weeks. I couldn't control the crying. I was so happy that he was here. That he was healthy. That he was beautiful and that he was ours. I was so protective of him. Didn't want him out of my sight. I was constantly checking to see if he was breathing when he was asleep. I was terrified of SIDS. I was scared to do anything wrong. I wanted to be the perfect mom and I was daily failing. When he was 6 weeks old he started crying and crying and crying. I could do nothing to stop him. I didn't know what was wrong. I hated that I didn't know and couldn't fix it. I would walk the halls rocking him for hours while he screamed and i cried. Steve would come home, I would pass Jacob off, lock myself in the bathroom with the shower on to block out the sound of the crying and cry some more myself. That went on for 6 weeks. I don't think I have ever felt so helpless and useless. Jacob cried more than he didn't during those long 6 weeks.

Once that ended all of Jacob's doctor appointments and testing started due to his shaky arms and very stiff body. It was really hard on me mentally and emotionally. I felt like I was constantly noticing the things that weren't "normal" about him. People would say "Wow, he is so strong he can already stand" when he was 3 months and I would be quick to chime in with "it's not that he's strong, it's that he is incredibly stiff." I was so scared and stressed about what life would look like for Jacob if he did indeed have cerebral palsy or a metabolic disease. Because I couldn't envision the future I felt out of control. I needed to know what was wrong with him. I needed to know how to fix it. I needed to know what it would mean for him when he goes to school. I was thinking so far ahead that I wasn't enjoying the present.

Jacob got better. All the stiffness and shaking went away (for no medical reason, thank you God) and our boy was given a clean bill of health other than needing to do a little bit of catch up developmentally. I still continued to compare him to every other child his age. Or ask parents what their kids were like at Jacob's age. When people expected him to be able to do something and he couldn't do it I felt like a failure of a mother. When he amazed people with what he could do I would think "yeah but he is still SO far behind in other areas". I couldn't, wouldn't let myself see the good. I was so caught up in thinking that I am the one who controls what Jacob can and can't do and I was doing a horrible job. The self-talk was toxic.

A couple moths ago my anxiety had gotten so bad that I was majorly affecting Steve. He was struggling to deal with me when I was overwhelmed or having panic attacks. Can't blame the poor guy, he was watching his wife unravel before him and was wise enough to know that we needed help. He told me that I had to do something soon because he couldn't deal anymore. So I took action (apparently I needed that push). We went for prayer at church. The couple who prayed with us came to our house a second time and prayed with us again. Our Bible study group prayed with us and supported us. I started life coaching with an amazing woman. I started reading lots, praying lots, figuring out my triggers for panic attacks, taking time for myself so I would be better able to cope with having to be selfless most of the day (or at least that's how I feel when it comes to parenting...you need to be totally selfless and I had such a hard time doing that and carried a lot of guilt for not doing it perfectly) and spending time talking to friends. The bad thing that I did was stay in my house whenever I was alone with Jacob. I pretty much didn't leave for 6 weeks. I get overwhelmed when I am out with Jacob (because he whines, cries, throws tantrums and I always think that everyone around me is thinking that I am the worst parent in the world) and because I was TERRIFIED of all the germs he would pick up this time of year. So I thought avoiding circumstances where I would feel so much anxiety was the way to go.

A few weeks ago Jacob got a horrible stomach flu (apparently keeping him away from germs did nothing). He threw up and had diarrhea for 4 days. We had to take him to the ER because he was dehydrated. This was my biggest fear coming true. I was consistently convinced that I was going to get sick. I washed my hands so many times that they were raw. They killed, were very red and dry. I poured olive oil over them to relieve the discomfort but in a matter of hours I had washed them so many times again that they just kept getting worse. I felt sick for days (even though I never actually got sick, neither did Steve). I didn't know how to care for such a sick kid. I was reading everything I could, calling the nurses help line, asking family for advice but I was so full of fear. My heart was constantly racing. Every time he whined or cried I immediately thought he was going to vomit and would cry and usually end up having a panic attack. I know this all sounds SO ridiculous but I was having a bit of a mental breakdown. Even though I knew my thoughts and body's reactions were irrational and over the top there was nothing I could do to stop. I was in deep.

I went to the doctor and he gave me some options. He upped my anti-depressants (which I had started a few weeks prior) and upped my other pill (for anxiety...i had only been taking it for about a week) and told me to come back and see him in 2 days and see if I feel any different or I could go to the hospital. I couldn't decide. I went home, cried and cried and cried (I had been crying for probably over 24 hours), talked with family and friends and made the decision to go to the hospital. My doctor faxed over the paper work. I sat in the ER for a few hours, met with a psychiatrist and a social worker and was admitted to the psych ward. I felt a lot of relief. Once I stepped foot in the psych ward that relief was quickly replaced with a lot of fear. I won't go in to all of the details about the wards rules, the people I met there and was rooming with but it didn't feel like the place for me. They were going to drug me up so much without me having any say about the pills, doses etc that I felt out of control again. I so desperately wanted to feel control and my world was spinning so fast around me that I couldn't keep up. I sat with Steve for a long time and contemplated what to do. I couldn't make a decision. We chatted with my nurse and she pushed for me to stay. I didn't want to stay but I didn't know if that was just because it was all new and new causes anxiety for me, or if it was because this really wasn't right for me. I was not in a position to make a decision rationally. All I knew was that I wanted to get out of there and get out of there quickly. I felt sick to my stomach telling the staff that I was leaving. Worried that I was disappointing them, annoying them, frustrating them because they had done all this paper work for me to get in there and I had only been there for hours before asking to leave. Because I wasn't a danger to myself or anyone else I was a voluntary patient and therefore allowed to discharge myself. I signed some paperwork and practically ran out of there.

Back at home I continued to cry and be overwhelmed. I saw my doctor again and he agreed that I shouldn't be alone with Jacob right now. It's too much for me. Steve took a little time off work and then family and friends have been with Jacob whenever Steve can't be. It's been difficult to accept the help but very necessary. Sometimes I am home with Jacob and whoever is caring for him. Sometimes I am out with a friend or at a friend's house because the crying and whining is too much for me to handle. My heart still races when he is upset. My body's reactions to him are not normal. Not yet at least.

I feel like I am crying less and less. The pills seem to be stabilizing my emotions. My anxiety is still really really high. I don't sleep much but am tired constantly. My mind races all the time. I can't seem to slow my thinking down. I try and put myself together when I go out but inside I am still a mess.

This is postpartum. It has many faces. Everyone who deals with postpartum has different symptoms. I love my son. I love him more than I can bare sometimes but right now it is not best for him or for me to be alone together very much. He senses that I am struggling. He feels my anxiety. For days he refused to go near me because I was crying all the time and he was so confused. It broke my heart to see how I was affecting him. The last few days things have changed between he and I. He asks for "mama" a lot. He calls for me to calm him in the night. He wants me to feed him his bottle. He seems attached to me again and it feels good to be wanted and needed by him.

This is a journey. Possibly a long one. I am on my way to health but there are hills and valleys along the way. I need to give myself patience when I am in those valleys and tell myself that I am not failing. That I am doing my best. That I WILL get through this.

His and Her: Q & A (Part 3)

What is your favorite/go-to YouTube video?

S: hardly go on youtube but i guess the piano guys

L: i go on ellen's page or prank vs prank

What is something you're scared of?
S: Lael and Jacob getting really hurt or sick 

L: vomit. 

What is a household chore you HATE doing?

S: recycling since it seems to be never ending

L: loading the dishwasher

What is something you feel guilty about or wish you had done better this week?
S: should have gotten up earlier in the morning with Jacob when he wanted to get up instead of lying in bed

L: playing with Jacob. i felt a little lazy this week

Who is your celebrity girl crush? (Yes both of you say what girl celebrity you're crushing on)

S: i can't even think of any celebrity names....(Lael names a whole bunch)...Jessica Biel

L: ....the female celebrity that makes me the happiest is ellen degeneres....i get pretty excited to see her 5 days a week :)

Future son's name?

S: Richard...just kidding. (L: Dick Dyck would be cruel) Logan

L: this is a toughie...Kaden

How did you two meet? (Tell your own versions.)
S: Band class in high school (L: no we did not meet in band). Whatever, same thing. She was taking attendance. (L: That's it? That's your whole version?) It asked how we met and that's how we met.

L: it was the beginning of september 2002 (my grade 12 year). my good friend emma called all the choir students to remind them that we had a choir practice the first day of school (at 6:45am...yup, it was early). she called this new student named Stephan and didn't know if it was "Steven or Stephan" but managed to get him on the phone anyways. She told me after that maybe THIS was going to be the guy for me. I laughed because I had just gone through a break up a few weeks before and was not interested in dating. The choir practice happened. I took attendance and met Steve. He ended up being part of our group of friends and we started dating just over a year later. :)

Describe a typical day in your life. (Weekday.)

S: Jacob cries. I bring him to our room. turn on the tv. i get his bottle (L: sometimes).  i feed jacob breakfast while lael showers. i eat breakfast and make a lunch for work. shower. go to work. (L: sell. sell. sell.) come home. hang out with jacob. try to give lael a bit of a break. put jacob to bed (L:sometimes....when you are home for bedtime)...yup. this is all "sometimes". eat and relax with lael at home and go to bed. 

L: jacob cries. Steve brings him to our room. One of us attempts to get him to stop crying while the other makes his bottle. listen to annoying cartoons, wishing i was still sleeping. dress jacob. shower. play with jacob and clean up from his breakfast and steve's. steve leaves. more playing with jacob. put jacob down for his nap. make and eat my breakfast while checking emails etc. jacob cries. entertain jacob. give him snacks. maybe run and errand. feed jacob lunch. play with jacob. clean up toys. put him down for second nap. make and eat lunch. tidy up. do some cleaning. watch some tv if i have time or read. jacob cries. feed him his bottle. give him his snack. play with jacob (maybe outside if it's not pouring). read to jacob. try and be creative for jacob. feed him dinner. play with him. hope steve comes home for bedtime. clean up toys. maybe put jacob to bed if steve isn't home. make and eat my dinner if i am alone. clean up dishes. sit down in front of tv and watch ridiculous shows. :)

What would you like to do when you retire?

S: travel with my wife. do a bunch of scuba diving and go to live jazz concerts regularly. 

L: travel with my husband. avoid scuba diving...haha. spend lots of time with my kids and grandkids (if i have any). and learn to photograph well.

What is a talent you wish you were better at?

S: saxophone and piano (L: he is already crazy talented with both of these instruments)

L: decorating

Describe your other half in 3 words.

S: loving. selfless. funny.

L: calm. genuine. thoughtful. 

How did your other half make you feel loved this past week?

S: got me new underwear and let me sleep in. 

L: has been over-the-top patient with me through many panic attacks. ugh! so thankful for his support.

What was your biggest hobby as a little kid?

S: stamps and carving wood

L: american girl

What about the world makes you sad?

S: that human nature is innately bad

L: the amount of orphans there ae re. 

What about the world makes you happy?

S: that God's grace can overcome the bad in us.

L: the ability we have to learn about so many cultures

What is your current favorite song?
S: Naina

L: probably something by Adele that I know the words to (S: you know the lyrics to songs?) not really. 

If you weren't currently married/dating your other half, where do you think you would you be?
S: I would have continued at Capilano College and wound up in $60,000 of student debt and eventually realized that as much as i enjoy jazz it's not my career calling.

L: working at LCS. living in an apartment with a friend. 

What is your favorite outdoor activity?
S: tennis

L: shopping at outlets....no? dang. maybe tennis or basketball

 

What was your favorite memory from the wedding celebration/reception? (NOT THE CEREMONY)

S: the shoe game.

L: this isn't my happiest memory of the day but it was very memorable and i still mention (cough complain cough) it. serving gelato to 230 (TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY) people BY MYSELF since SOMEONE ditched me to hang out with his groomsmen. Worst receiving line idea EVER. 

What are some traditions that you now share together?

S: make chocolate covered strawberries together. going for walks with lael and jacob up to tim hortons and getting jacob a timbit.

L: watch Elf every december. write each other a card to take on any over night away from each other. i get steve mazipan for every birthday. he gets me lindts or ferraro roches for my birthday. we started a new tradition last year for Jacob's first Christmas. we will always give him a book and pjs on christmas eve.